Start Anew .... ? How do you do that???

So many times I wish I can start anew. I guess alot of people wished they can do that too. Some tried by moving to a different continent, countries, cities or homes. Some just reinvent themselves, not too drastic but small ones. Example like, making new bunch of friends, change jobs, a totally new untried hairstyle, a total makeover, etc.. Me, I have done the small ones lots of times. Still, I am very comfortable and love the way I look. But once in awhile, I would change my hairstyle. From long wavy waist length hair to really short bob. Or dye it in different colours that are not too weird (like one of my girlfriends, she likes to colour her hair green, blue, pink, red or orange.. oh, only in strands).

Now, I am thinking of doing another 'start anew' way of starting anew. You see, I write in my diary. Have about 8 of them. Everything I consider good enough to write in it or just to let out and do not have anyone to talk to, I start writing... In a way, writing down my thoughts or emotions, and then closing the book, is like closing that chapter of my life and hoping that I might feel better and able to move on.... I did felt better.... for awhile... but not for long. Memories do intend to come back to haunt you. They are in dormant mode, just lingering at the back of your mind. And then without warning those memories (good or bad) will pop up and remind you of the things that you wish to forget. Yeah, some good memories can be bad.. Especially if it leads to yearning, sadness and unanswered questions.

Ok. Back to the new 'start anew' thingy that I am going to do. My new theory will be burning all my diaries with all the memories of happiness, sadness, stupidity, daring, embarassing, frustrating, anger, disappointments, hopes, promises, etc.. Thought about it countless of times and made a decision to do it. Was asking myself why would I need to pen all those memories since I can still remember them very clearly in my mind? And, I do not need to be reminded of some of the past, as I have learnt my lessons. The only thing I have to do is to apply all what I have learnt or experienced to my NOW life (easier said than done..). The reason I have not burn those diaries yet, is because I need to find a place. Thought of the bathroom... not a good idea. Thought of an open space... where?... Have to think of safety first (:p .. prrfft!). No worries, will find a way to do it.

Another thing... I am meeting with a house agent today to see the possibilities of purchasing my own home as soon as possible! At last! YEAY!!!! I am tired of renting and moving around... Now I can stay put in one place! It will be a home where my family and friends would be comfortable to chillout or stay over. My home will be a calming place for everyone in my life to escape from daily stress, not only for myself. That is the kind of home I want. And.... my two children will be with me!!!! YEAY!!! My son is 13 and my daughter is 9. I am so proud of them! I am not being bias here, but my children are smart, intelligent and well behave (due to my ability to understand them and treat them with respect. Memories of me growing up helps.. and thank goodness they are not like me when I was young. I am a mighty handful to handle. That was what my mother said and I know). I love them unconditionally but I am not the typical mom who would let her children get away with rudeness, disrespect and misbehaving. Always with encouraging words and telling them how proud I am and that I love them very much. I am a simple woman with simple wants and needs, so I will nurture them to be similar. Be grateful and content with what they have, and work hard if they want more. Teach them to love themselves and never let others put them down or tell them to do things against their principles (unless it is something good then it is ok).

That is all for now. Do not know when I will have the urge to write in here again. Have been very busy with work and getting things done. Soon, choosing a home and attending court (for my children, a long story. All due to me for having too much compassion and pity, no matter what others done to me... *sigh*.. some things can never change).

Thoughts of Trust

Yes. Its been awhile since I've wrote anything here. My whole being have been tempting me to do so, but I resist.... actually, the thoughts usually comes when I'm on the bus or laying down on my bed with no PC available. Did wrote some .... where...

Excuses. We are full of excuses are we not? When things are not happening or done, we always have an excuse in hand.

Ah... Anyway. Heres what my thoughts want me to let it out.
~ ~ ~

Ask this question to yourself and answer it truthfully:

who on this earth, still alive or dead can you truly depend on when things go down the drain?That person or persons will be there for you through it all! and will not make you think you are lesser or incompetent or weak or pitiful or so minusculously tiny.... Anyone came in mind?

I know some will say 'yes, I have plenty of family members and friends, ..... blah blah yada yada....' I said 'will not make you think' not 'what they think of you'.... It's all you. It's how you feel. Yes, they will help you through it but that little paranoid feelings that will bug you. There are some who will help you but will not tell you what they truly think of you. If they did, I bet you will feel all that was mentioned above. But... (theres always a 'but') these are the persons who will see what you don't and from there you will valuate what will be good for yourself.

Truth: the people who you will go for help will be categorised in different things. You know who will be the one for emotional support. Who are the ones to give that financial support. So on and so forth.

As I've said 'It's all you.'... You can depend on yourself. Your survival instinct. It's not a bad thing. Not that after the help you've received you will just forget about it. You will remember and be there for that person(s) when its your who can help... Don't feel bad when you have no time to contact those person(s). Just remember when they call and ask for help, be there, help within your means. Help out of sincerity not out of obligations or returning a favour. Understand? I hope so thats how it is.

I wrote a poem of the sadness that I felt. Please bear with me. I am not good at this poem stuff. Just started to write again. Wrote it while thinking of a very dear friend of mine, who had held out a hand to me when I needed help.

I am slowly dying.....
Tell me, should I let it be
Or should I fight by holding tight?
Never felt my head so heavy
And my heart so very empty.
The feeling of my life spiralling down
My being going numb.
Closing my eyes to rest
Blind myself from days passing by.
Realised... I am slowly dying...
And will slowly.... slowly fade away.

~
Just a start.

I am not a good one to keep in touch with family and friends. I do call them or text or send an email, once in awhile... like once or twice a year....

Stop here for now. Its 1am and I need to settle a bit of work... Hopefully I will keep on writing at least once a month in this blog.

So many things to say, but have no idea how to start or how to put it.

A new quote I've thought of:
I know nothing.... but everything is in me. So I am me.

Chaotic Thoughts

How much can a human mind take before it snap? What is the limit per individual? Ever felt like standing at the edge of a high building and lean back? Falling back first, looking towards the sky... Ok right now thats how I feel... Not to worry. It is just that I'm bored and tired out of my mind. Maybe I'm asking too much, expecting too much.. or too little.. or am I too complicated.. complexed? Just need something new.. or I need to really focus to what is happening around me? or focus on my life.. hmmmm...

My brains are mush at the moment. Do not know why. Really don't. I know I'm blocking something but am unsure what it was. Maybe I've succeeded in blocking what I'm suppose to block and in the act, I've blocked more than I'm suppose to... (HUH?!)
Thats how chaotic my mind is right now. All I truly want to do is live like every normal good person. Which is work, home, work, home, family, work, holidays, work, friends, relax, work...
What I am thinking is this.... How come there are some people out there who can open up easily to others? or say things which meant something to the listener but nothing to the talker?
Ever experience this where you can talk to a certain type of people and you can't even open your mouth to another? Ever trust people even when they have misuse that trust? Make excuses for someone even when you know that the person was in the wrong and even your friends know about it? Try hard to make others like a friend, make others to give that friend another shot, try to prove assumptions of others of the friend was not all correct and let that friend be accepted as he/she wanted to (eventhough he/she said it does not matter but it does).

Ever letting people down because you do not want to be known as nice, reliable and dependable?
I grew up not knowing how to say vulgarities. The only time I would use and really mean it was when I am truly and extremely taken over by sheer anger. Funny isn't it? Sometimes I would blush when some of my friends used it as if its nothing. Oh I do say it in jester, but always end up giggling like a schoolgirl... (ssshessshhh...)

Ever felt that you are so weak that all you want to do is curl up and hibernate for a whole month? or you felt so strong that you are afraid that you might frighten people off?

Ever felt that your brain might explode (is that possible?) when all the thoughts in it going hyper drive?

Wish I could just erase my mind and start with a new one.... Wishful thinking.. :)

To Love or To Hate...? That is the question....

Can anybody tell or describe to me what is it like to be truly in love? How does it feel? If its a feeling... or is it just this thing whenever you felt some strange pressure happening in your heart or at the pit of your stomach (so called butterflies or something like that) when that certain person is near by? I'm truly curious....

OR

How does it feel to hate? Does feeling angry ... extremely angry be considered as hate? Does that pain in the heart considered as hate? Does being indifferent can be considered as hate?

~

Whats this so call 'love/hate' relationship about? I know love (but not 'in-love'.. maybe.. or was it? might be just a crush?). Why would you hate the person you love? Oh! Another thing, why would you hurt the one you love? I don't understand that. Why can't we just love and love and love? I know to love does not mean you have to be blind... You should be sensible and aware of what is going on.

~ ~ ~

Lots of things been going through my mind. From work to accommodations, to emotions, to life, to children, to plans, to financial, to stability, to work, to having my own home, to ... so many. I've learnt through life that certain things, we have to give a little bit more time for it to happen or to get results. Have to be patient and diligent. Like everyone, I am impatient. I guess, I'm counting my days. Time is running out, and there are still so many things to be done or to achieve or to experience.

~

Mood swings.. is one of my worst companion in life. One minute I'm at the top of the world, the next I feel so daft, after that felt like I can and should express myself thoroughly, and then wished I've never open my mouth. One day my brain is working at its best, the next its all mush, I can't even focus properly. Right now I feel like screaming 'INTRIGUE ME! INTRIGUE ME! Intrigue my mind! Intrigue my being!'.... hmmmm...

~Ever felt like to just pack up and leave?~

Who Makes You Feel sung by Dido

I don't touch you the way I used to
I don't call and write when I’m away
We don't make love as often as we did do
what couldn't wait now waits and usually goes away

But listen and think when I say it
Oh but listen and think when I say it
Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel
Who loves you and knows you the way I do
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do
Who makes you feel like I make you feel

I don't mind if you come home late
I don't ever ask you
where you've been
I just assume if there's a problem
you'll tell me

But listen and think when I say it
Oh but listen and think when I say it
Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel
Who loves you and knows you the way I do
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel like I make you feel

Being weak when I am strong
Being seen, who you are
Being sad and love's not alone

But listen and think when I say it
Oh but listen and think when I say it
Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel
Who loves you and knows you the way I do
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel

Who loves you and knows you the way I do
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel like I make you feel
Who makes you feel like I make you feel

Who makes you feel……..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ok lets reflect on this song. To me its a cool song. Yeah, its a love song or a frustration song or a sad lover's song or a song about someone trying to make another understand/remind/reassure about the feelings that they have. Its saying everything and nothing at the same time. Cool....

My translation to the lyric is, she's trying to reassure her lover that she still loves him and eventhough they don't do things together, she will still be there for him. She's telling him that she will not ask him or push him to talk. She wants him, on his own free will to open himself up to her, if there are things that need to be talked about (cool, I believe in that too.. actually it takes time for me to open up).

Ok to me the things that make a relationship are these: trust, respect, understanding, getting to know, accepting the person for who they are, a dash of sacrifice, a little bit of compromising, care, honesty, comfortable with each other, lots of forgiveness, patience, giving space, letting each other grow, supportive, live in the present, look forward to the future and let the past stays as the past (a memory, an experience). Sharing a life together. Going through and facing all the happiness, hardship, obstacles, sadness, arguments, the phase, the craziness, disagreements and disappointments together. Holding hands, standing by each other side and facing life together (the ride of life!). Able to see the other growing old with you. Lets be sensible and realistic, nothing is easy or uncomplicated or simple when it comes to any relationships. Its how you handle it and willing to make it work, together. In the end its sharing. Sharing a life..

COMPETE, CONQUEST AND ALWAYS BEING RIGHT...

These are the things that make the human race ‘tick’. They give a meaning to the sad pathetic meaningless lives in this world. Wouldn’t you agree with me? (I can actually hear some disagreements after the paragraph was read.) Give it a thought for a minute. When was the last time you did not compete? Who or what was your last conquest? The last time you have a smirk on your face when you have findings of an argument on a topic, as to proof that you were right? Done thinking? I have the strongest feeling that the answer would never be ‘I never…..’. Most of you will agree with me but then you would say life is not pathetic or meaningless. It is exciting, challenging and fun. *psch* yeah right… So why are there so many suicidal, homicidal, depressed and crazy people around?

But….

If we don’t compete (you’d say), we will be losing out on that promotions, games, matches, getting the best… yada yada yada = (what I hear) I WIN! YOU LOSE! Selfishness. Self-centered…. Yes you can compete but how you do it shows who you truly are. Will you let others win once in awhile?

Conquests of the unknown, heights, fears,… is to make you a better and stronger person. Conquest of a country or a place or a person,… War, compete, mind games,.. Well, it benefits the conquered because you will make it/she/he to have a better life… yada yada yada = I’m The Best! Bow you down to me, The Conqueror! Does not your conscience surface to hunt you, for the people that you have to kill, stepped on, hurt and the breaking of their spirits? Do you have any conscience in the first place???

It is not a sin for Always Being Right, in finding, knowing and pointing out the truth. Yep, no sins there. It is good to share the information that you’ve found with the person and OTHERS around. At least you set the record straight…. Bla bla bla di da = I’m RIGHT! You are WRONG! How would you feel if you were the one who got it wrong? And the other person points it out with a smirk on his/her face in front of everyone? So what if you knew you were right? Sometimes … Silence is Gold.

Being humble is one of the most respectful and most worthy of being. It does not mean that you are a loser or lower than anyone in the world. It shows how knowledgeable and understanding you are about the shortcomings of the human race. Not too humble though, not to the point that will make you look like a dolt. Moderate humbility (hehehee.. I like making up words, as far as people understand what I’m trying to say).

Anyway, you are who you are. You have the right to be a pretentious goodie two shoes who in truth is a bad to the bone person. Or a someone who have goodness in every single cell person, and you are trying hard to stay afloat in this world with your beliefs. Don’t try too hard to please people and deceive them. To make them believe who you are not. It would eventually shows. You can fool a majority of them who are shallow but there are a few whom you can’t.

Just Thoughts ~

Its 2am now... so I have insomnia. *psch!*...

As for music.. I like listening to good music... Any kind, if its good to my ears, I will favour it. But then it all depends on the mood. Wanted to say 'occassion' but then...... 'occassion' music usually depends on the mood too.. Really.

For me I would prefer jazz and blues. I like it ~ smooth, sensuous, cool, relaxing. Oh, I like other types of music too. But jazz & blues are like, 2am in the morning, listening to Katie Malua, Blues In The Night, or Tracy Chapman, At This Point In My Life, or Sade (my all time favourite singer!), Somebody Already Broke My Heart (no joke, its playing right now while I'm typing this!), very calming. I know its a bit, um.., low, but then to me its calming and make me think about a whole lot of things. HMMmmmm....

My favourite! when its raining outside, this is what I always do; a cup of hot coffee, a good book, soft jazzy or blues music in the background, sitting on my white sofa by the big open window.... The soft sound and smell of fresh rain, the coffee, the book, the music.... the atmosphere.... its like Heaven on earth... For those of you who have been to my place (picture), you know what it is like. You can imagine yourself having a rainy day at a place like mine. Beautiful isn't it...?

Yeah, you can call me a romantic... a true blue romantic. Believe it or not.. I am. I have to accept that I am one (saying this with laughter of disbelief that I've confessed, acknowledged it, at last!), just like any other girls out there. The only problem is, I don't usually show it or ask for it or hint or whatever other girls do to get it known.... I have a bad habit of holding back (maybe due to some reasons), what I truly wanted to do was ~ to hold, to caress, to kiss the hair at the nape, to give flutterfly kisses all over the face, the shoulders, the palm of the hands.... To touch lightly.., trailing.., explore the face with my fingertips; the curve of the brows, the bridge to the tip of the nose,.. the soft lips.., the chin.., the jawline..... and then kissing those soft lips....

....*sigh*....
heheheee... Nice right? Romantic? I know what to do. What need to be done. How it's to be done. What to say. These are advises I give to my friends. As for myself... I get stumped, can't even move, can't say the things I want to, can't express myself in any way about how I truly feel... thats when I am with the affection of my heart..... Well, back to the music!

Diana Krall is another favourite of mine. Imagine this! Bought 2 cds of hers and both are gone! Even my Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Californiacation, 2 of those, both dissappeared! My Alicia Keys, gone (went to her concert in 2004. She's pretty! Pretty HOT!)... Nevermind. Now, whatever cds I have, I save it in my pc. Not only will it be saved, I can use WMP to choose all the music I want to play at that moment. Oh! I listen to Portishead (too bad only 2 albums)... Ying&Yang, Gotan Project, MC Solar, Gorrillaz, The Streets, Duke Ellington (one of the best!), Michael Buble, Cold Play, Missy Elliot, Oasis, Quincy Jones, Simply Red, Metallica (went to their concert. All I can say is WOW!) Sting, Katie Melua, Louie Armstrong, Dean Martin, Barry White (*sigh*!!! the voice! the voice!), Chris Isaak, The Fugees (salute to them!), James Blunt, Kanye West, Lighthouse Family, Moby, U2, Black Eyed Peas, Fatboy Slim, Dido.... lots and lots more...

As you can see my taste in music is very diverse. Hey thats me... I even listen to some classical (thanks Uncle Halim & Sven, for introducing me to them) and a little bit of opera (thanks Sven, eventhough I don't understand but the vibe, volume, strong voice, of the singer.. wow!)
I'm going to start on my blog all the links to my favourite singers and bands websites (if I can find them or if they are available).

Yeah... I'm going to do all of that.

AGORAPHOBIA by Linda Pastan

Ok this is a really good poem. Read it and see if you can understand what she was really saying. It can be telling something else besides her attachment to her house. Its more than that. That is why I found this poem in the 'Relationship' category. Well thats what I think, as I read this poem to the end. Before she start her poem, she include a poem from Shakespeare.

"Yesterday the bird of night did sit,
Even at noon-day,
upon the marketplace,
Hooting and shrieking." —William Shakespeare

1.
Imagine waking
to a scene of snow so new
not even memories
of other snow
can mar its silken
surface. What other innocence
is quite like this,
and who can blame me
for refusing
to violate such whiteness
with the booted cruelty
of tracks?

2.
Though I cannot leave this house,
I have memorized the view
from every window—
23 framed landscapes, containing
each nuance of weather and light.
And I know the measure
of every room, not as a prisoner
pacing a cell
but as the embryo knows
the walls of the womb, free
to swim as its body tells it, to nudge
the softly fleshed walls,
dreading only the moment
of contraction when it will be forced
into the gaudy world.

3.
Sometimes I travel as far
as the last stone
of the path, but
every step,
as in the children's story,
pricks that tender place
on the bottom of the foot,
and like an ebbing tide with all
the obsession of the moon behind it,
I am dragged back.

4.
I have noticed in windy fall
how leaves are torn from the trees,
each leaf waving goodbye to the oak
or the poplar that housed it;
how the moon, pinned
to the very center of the window,
is like a moth wanting only to break in.
What I mean is this house
follows all the laws of lintel and ridgepole,
obeys the commandments of broom
and of needle, custom and grace.
It is not fear that holds me here but passion
and the uncrossable moat of moonlight
outside the bolted doors.

The Ecstasy by John Donne

Where, like a pillow on a bed
A pregnant bank swell'd up to rest
The violet's reclining head,
Sat we two, one another's best.
Our hands were firmly cemented
With a fast balm, which thence did spring;
Our eye-beams twisted, and did thread
Our eyes upon one double string;
So to'intergraft our hands, as yet
Was all the means to make us one,
And pictures in our eyes to get
Was all our propagation.
As 'twixt two equal armies fate
Suspends uncertain victory,
Our souls (which to advance their state
Were gone out) hung 'twixt her and me.
And whilst our souls negotiate there,
We like sepulchral statues lay;
All day, the same our postures were,
And we said nothing, all the day.
If any, so by love refin'd
That he soul's language understood,
And by good love were grown all mind,
Within convenient distance stood,
He (though he knew not which soul spoke,
Because both meant, both spoke the same)
Might thence a new concoction take
And part far purer than he came.
This ecstasy doth unperplex,
We said, and tell us what we love;
We see by this it was not sex,
We see we saw not what did move;
But as all several souls contain
Mixture of things, they know not what,
Love these mix'd souls doth mix again
And makes both one, each this and that.
A single violet transplant,
The strength, the colour, and the size,
(All which before was poor and scant)
Redoubles still, and multiplies.
When love with one another so
Interinanimates two souls,
That abler soul, which thence doth flow,
Defects of loneliness controls.
We then, who are this new soul, know
Of what we are compos'd and made,
For th' atomies of which we grow
Are souls. whom no change can invade.
But oh alas, so long, so far,
Our bodies why do we forbear?
They'are ours, though they'are not we; we are
The intelligences, they the spheres.
We owe them thanks, because they thus
Did us, to us, at first convey,
Yielded their senses' force to us,
Nor are dross to us, but allay.
On man heaven's influence works not so,
But that it first imprints the air;
So soul into the soul may flow,
Though it to body first repair.
As our blood labors to beget
Spirits, as like souls as it can,
Because such fingers need to knit
That subtle knot which makes us man,
So must pure lovers' souls descend
T' affections, and to faculties,
Which sense may reach and apprehend,
Else a great prince in prison lies.
To'our bodies turn we then, that so
Weak men on love reveal'd may look;
Love's mysteries in souls do grow,
But yet the body is his book.
And if some lover, such as we,
Have heard this dialogue of one,
Let him still mark us, he shall see
Small change, when we'are to bodies gone.

The grass is always greener on the other side Syndrome

That is what it is. A syndrome (- noun 1 a group of symptoms which consistently occur together. 2 a characteristic combinations of opinions, emotions, or behaviour. ORIGIN Greek sundromē, from dramein ‘to run’. How true can that be? ……… *psch* yeah, very true indeed.

It usually occurs in a group. Apparently it happened mostly in the masculine gender of the human race. I wonder why…? It seems like, if one of them in the group was infected, it intent to ‘consistently occur together’. In whatever reasons, ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ for the change to that new job, move to a new city, new place and replacing of new things (eg. furniture, cars, mobile phones and even partners).

It is a behaviour alright. Instead of trying harder, being satisfied, repair, working things out… it was better dramein, to run! The easiest way out of a complication, which in the first place caused by avoiding or ignoring the problem.

When I reread what I’ve just wrote here. It sounds like I’m attacking one gender. Well, I did state the word ‘mostly’ not ‘all’. The truth, in this time and century, there are some of the feminine gender would do the same thing too. When the going gets tough, they split! Reasons: they are the weaker gender and they need someone stronger to be there for them, to take care of them and to support them. Ok for this one I have to give an example. Scenario: Husband just lost his high paying job and is willing to work hard but they have to sacrifice the luxuries that they used to have. Bitchy wife, walks out the door, reasons being, she can’t live without some things that she’s used to (eg. spa, hairdresser, the weekends brunch at the private country club, exotic holidays, etc…). Apparently she already has a replacement, on the side for just in case.

Ok! Both genders are the same! My point is. Human beings will never be satisfied with what they have. The belief of better things to be found elsewhere sometimes does not make you happier. It happened to a wonderful fantastic friend of mine, I am truly proud and honored, to have such a friend. She had a fantastic job, good life and free to do as she pleases. Still she wants that dream job. In the end she got it. She’s in, she got her dream job! Things were going as planned! YEAY!!!!… We lost contact because she was really very busy. Today, after nearly a year, we got in touch with each other again. She told me she’s not happy... My heart went to her. After much thought, I asked her, ‘what were you doing last time that made you happy? Get me? Maybe you can do it again or look for something similar.’ She have not replied to me yet.

You can have that change and sometimes the ‘grass is greener’ and better. Just make sure that you investigate, research and ‘sleep on it’ before deciding the ultimatum. There will be no one to blame but your self when things go wrong or not the way you expected it to.

Appreciate and cherish what you have. Sure, you can have more or better things but remember some things won't lead to happiness or a clear conscience.

My Birthday Day (Supposed to be: Counting Down)

I've started off this post with these words ~ 'Its not about NYE as most of you will think.. It is about another year, another present becomes a past, memories, experiences. 11.25pm or 2325, in half an hour more, I will be turning 33. This year its going to be different. I am not out in any clubs or pubs to get intoxicated and make a fool of myself as the past few birthdays. My friends are coming over. My close, dearest friends. So this time, I am allowed to get intoxicated, make a fool of myself in anyway I want (except going skinny dipping infront of my sis and her bf), cry, laugh, play scrabble...' thats how far I get to type on the eve of my birthday. This was what actually happened;

I had the midnight countdown with Jacq (she's like a sister to me), a glass of vodka tonic. Only had a few sips and I don't want it anymore. Coffee next!!! Then came the text messages of well wishes from friends and family, everywhere. At 15mins to 0100, Julie, Didier and Aswad came over to my place to celebrate my birthday. We have drinks, snacks and watched VCD, The Weather Man (cool movie). Then a few rounds of Boggles (as usual in most word games, everyone were winners after I finished first ... heheheheee.. go ahead and hate me, you guys *winks*). Around 0230, Mave, Jacq's bf, came back from work and he is a really funny guy. All of us talked and laughed and joked and made fun of each other. It was fun! I love it! And the best thing is ~ I AM SOBER! Amazing!... Around 0330, we have MacDonald's. Yum! Yum! Lekker gud! The best supper I have ever had!!! (besides carrot cakes in Newton after partying at 0600.. Julie, I missed our carrot cakes supper!!). Julie, Didier and Aswad left around 0430 - 0500, when Julie just can't keep her eyes open anymore but she still have a big smile on her beautiful face. That leaves me, Jacq and Mave, still wide awake and hyper, soooooo.. we went for a swim in the pool. More laughters, making jokes, a few canonballs and chilling out at the pool. A wonderful start for my birth day!

This is for my friends who came to my place and for those who sent me text messages of birthday wishes! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I love all of you! Especially Jacq & Julie. I can never say enough thank yous and I do not know how to repay you two crazies for what you have done. You gals were there when I'm in need. Gave me advices and be there, no matter what my decisions were. Right or wrong, you gals are there in the background. You gals are nuts, man!!! Hahahahaaaaa!!!!! Oh yeah so am I.. Love you all!

This year I've learnt more of life and I know what really I want.....

TryOut

I am curious about this blogging craze that have been going on. I know it had been around for years, only now did it get my attention. A few of my friends have their own Blogs and websites. In a way, they were the cause that make me want to try my hand at this and give it a go.

I am not sure. Having a bit of doubts. By right I am a private person. I used to prefer writing in my diary or journal of all my experiences (and still do of certain really personal things, in detailed description) but now part of it, along with my thoughts, will be shared here. As far as I see, if my doings would cause no harm toward others, I will do as I pleased within limits. Whatever most people think of me is insignificant, except for those whom I love and cared for very much.

Most people that were considered really close to me, would only see a certain part of me. Never the whole me. Sometimes they would say what they think of me. They might be right, that is me... and not. I usually smile when they think, they know me thoroughly. I guessed everyone feel the same way as I do. Sounds frustrating. What are the chances of somone knowing another, who they truly are, to the tee?

It has become sort of a game to most people about finding out who the other person truly is. If you have guessed them correctly, it means that you are ... what does it mean? That you win? That you know the person much better than others? That you are the best at knowing people? That you are someone special? Or does it shows that you are not shallow? The very word (shallow) which alot of people would not want to be associated with. A few others would be the words like pretentious, superficial, materialistic, ditzy, selfish, self centered, dependant and demanding.

I guessed nobody will know anybody until we lived under the same roof.... Wrong! Even then there are still more things to know about the other person. People intend to change either to be better or worse. Just look around and when you thought you have pegged that close friend of yours, personality and character, a year later or a few months or weeks or days even (!), you will noticed there are changes in that person. Thats what makes LIFE so unpredictable and intriguing... Worth staying on this plain for the next 20 - 30 years... What is going to happen to my dear friends and family?