Thoughts of Trust

Yes. Its been awhile since I've wrote anything here. My whole being have been tempting me to do so, but I resist.... actually, the thoughts usually comes when I'm on the bus or laying down on my bed with no PC available. Did wrote some .... where...

Excuses. We are full of excuses are we not? When things are not happening or done, we always have an excuse in hand.

Ah... Anyway. Heres what my thoughts want me to let it out.
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Ask this question to yourself and answer it truthfully:

who on this earth, still alive or dead can you truly depend on when things go down the drain?That person or persons will be there for you through it all! and will not make you think you are lesser or incompetent or weak or pitiful or so minusculously tiny.... Anyone came in mind?

I know some will say 'yes, I have plenty of family members and friends, ..... blah blah yada yada....' I said 'will not make you think' not 'what they think of you'.... It's all you. It's how you feel. Yes, they will help you through it but that little paranoid feelings that will bug you. There are some who will help you but will not tell you what they truly think of you. If they did, I bet you will feel all that was mentioned above. But... (theres always a 'but') these are the persons who will see what you don't and from there you will valuate what will be good for yourself.

Truth: the people who you will go for help will be categorised in different things. You know who will be the one for emotional support. Who are the ones to give that financial support. So on and so forth.

As I've said 'It's all you.'... You can depend on yourself. Your survival instinct. It's not a bad thing. Not that after the help you've received you will just forget about it. You will remember and be there for that person(s) when its your who can help... Don't feel bad when you have no time to contact those person(s). Just remember when they call and ask for help, be there, help within your means. Help out of sincerity not out of obligations or returning a favour. Understand? I hope so thats how it is.

I wrote a poem of the sadness that I felt. Please bear with me. I am not good at this poem stuff. Just started to write again. Wrote it while thinking of a very dear friend of mine, who had held out a hand to me when I needed help.

I am slowly dying.....
Tell me, should I let it be
Or should I fight by holding tight?
Never felt my head so heavy
And my heart so very empty.
The feeling of my life spiralling down
My being going numb.
Closing my eyes to rest
Blind myself from days passing by.
Realised... I am slowly dying...
And will slowly.... slowly fade away.

~
Just a start.

I am not a good one to keep in touch with family and friends. I do call them or text or send an email, once in awhile... like once or twice a year....

Stop here for now. Its 1am and I need to settle a bit of work... Hopefully I will keep on writing at least once a month in this blog.

So many things to say, but have no idea how to start or how to put it.

A new quote I've thought of:
I know nothing.... but everything is in me. So I am me.

Chaotic Thoughts

How much can a human mind take before it snap? What is the limit per individual? Ever felt like standing at the edge of a high building and lean back? Falling back first, looking towards the sky... Ok right now thats how I feel... Not to worry. It is just that I'm bored and tired out of my mind. Maybe I'm asking too much, expecting too much.. or too little.. or am I too complicated.. complexed? Just need something new.. or I need to really focus to what is happening around me? or focus on my life.. hmmmm...

My brains are mush at the moment. Do not know why. Really don't. I know I'm blocking something but am unsure what it was. Maybe I've succeeded in blocking what I'm suppose to block and in the act, I've blocked more than I'm suppose to... (HUH?!)
Thats how chaotic my mind is right now. All I truly want to do is live like every normal good person. Which is work, home, work, home, family, work, holidays, work, friends, relax, work...
What I am thinking is this.... How come there are some people out there who can open up easily to others? or say things which meant something to the listener but nothing to the talker?
Ever experience this where you can talk to a certain type of people and you can't even open your mouth to another? Ever trust people even when they have misuse that trust? Make excuses for someone even when you know that the person was in the wrong and even your friends know about it? Try hard to make others like a friend, make others to give that friend another shot, try to prove assumptions of others of the friend was not all correct and let that friend be accepted as he/she wanted to (eventhough he/she said it does not matter but it does).

Ever letting people down because you do not want to be known as nice, reliable and dependable?
I grew up not knowing how to say vulgarities. The only time I would use and really mean it was when I am truly and extremely taken over by sheer anger. Funny isn't it? Sometimes I would blush when some of my friends used it as if its nothing. Oh I do say it in jester, but always end up giggling like a schoolgirl... (ssshessshhh...)

Ever felt that you are so weak that all you want to do is curl up and hibernate for a whole month? or you felt so strong that you are afraid that you might frighten people off?

Ever felt that your brain might explode (is that possible?) when all the thoughts in it going hyper drive?

Wish I could just erase my mind and start with a new one.... Wishful thinking.. :)

To Love or To Hate...? That is the question....

Can anybody tell or describe to me what is it like to be truly in love? How does it feel? If its a feeling... or is it just this thing whenever you felt some strange pressure happening in your heart or at the pit of your stomach (so called butterflies or something like that) when that certain person is near by? I'm truly curious....

OR

How does it feel to hate? Does feeling angry ... extremely angry be considered as hate? Does that pain in the heart considered as hate? Does being indifferent can be considered as hate?

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Whats this so call 'love/hate' relationship about? I know love (but not 'in-love'.. maybe.. or was it? might be just a crush?). Why would you hate the person you love? Oh! Another thing, why would you hurt the one you love? I don't understand that. Why can't we just love and love and love? I know to love does not mean you have to be blind... You should be sensible and aware of what is going on.

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Lots of things been going through my mind. From work to accommodations, to emotions, to life, to children, to plans, to financial, to stability, to work, to having my own home, to ... so many. I've learnt through life that certain things, we have to give a little bit more time for it to happen or to get results. Have to be patient and diligent. Like everyone, I am impatient. I guess, I'm counting my days. Time is running out, and there are still so many things to be done or to achieve or to experience.

~

Mood swings.. is one of my worst companion in life. One minute I'm at the top of the world, the next I feel so daft, after that felt like I can and should express myself thoroughly, and then wished I've never open my mouth. One day my brain is working at its best, the next its all mush, I can't even focus properly. Right now I feel like screaming 'INTRIGUE ME! INTRIGUE ME! Intrigue my mind! Intrigue my being!'.... hmmmm...

~Ever felt like to just pack up and leave?~