Saturday, 10 May 2008

Start Anew .... ? How do you do that???

So many times I wish I can start anew. I guess alot of people wished they can do that too. Some tried by moving to a different continent, countries, cities or homes. Some just reinvent themselves, not too drastic but small ones. Example like, making new bunch of friends, change jobs, a totally new untried hairstyle, a total makeover, etc.. Me, I have done the small ones lots of times. Still, I am very comfortable and love the way I look. But once in awhile, I would change my hairstyle. From long wavy waist length hair to really short bob. Or dye it in different colours that are not too weird (like one of my girlfriends, she likes to colour her hair green, blue, pink, red or orange.. oh, only in strands).

Now, I am thinking of doing another 'start anew' way of starting anew. You see, I write in my diary. Have about 8 of them. Everything I consider good enough to write in it or just to let out and do not have anyone to talk to, I start writing... In a way, writing down my thoughts or emotions, and then closing the book, is like closing that chapter of my life and hoping that I might feel better and able to move on.... I did felt better.... for awhile... but not for long. Memories do intend to come back to haunt you. They are in dormant mode, just lingering at the back of your mind. And then without warning those memories (good or bad) will pop up and remind you of the things that you wish to forget. Yeah, some good memories can be bad.. Especially if it leads to yearning, sadness and unanswered questions.

Ok. Back to the new 'start anew' thingy that I am going to do. My new theory will be burning all my diaries with all the memories of happiness, sadness, stupidity, daring, embarassing, frustrating, anger, disappointments, hopes, promises, etc.. Thought about it countless of times and made a decision to do it. Was asking myself why would I need to pen all those memories since I can still remember them very clearly in my mind? And, I do not need to be reminded of some of the past, as I have learnt my lessons. The only thing I have to do is to apply all what I have learnt or experienced to my NOW life (easier said than done..). The reason I have not burn those diaries yet, is because I need to find a place. Thought of the bathroom... not a good idea. Thought of an open space... where?... Have to think of safety first (:p .. prrfft!). No worries, will find a way to do it.

Another thing... I am meeting with a house agent today to see the possibilities of purchasing my own home as soon as possible! At last! YEAY!!!! I am tired of renting and moving around... Now I can stay put in one place! It will be a home where my family and friends would be comfortable to chillout or stay over. My home will be a calming place for everyone in my life to escape from daily stress, not only for myself. That is the kind of home I want. And.... my two children will be with me!!!! YEAY!!! My son is 13 and my daughter is 9. I am so proud of them! I am not being bias here, but my children are smart, intelligent and well behave (due to my ability to understand them and treat them with respect. Memories of me growing up helps.. and thank goodness they are not like me when I was young. I am a mighty handful to handle. That was what my mother said and I know). I love them unconditionally but I am not the typical mom who would let her children get away with rudeness, disrespect and misbehaving. Always with encouraging words and telling them how proud I am and that I love them very much. I am a simple woman with simple wants and needs, so I will nurture them to be similar. Be grateful and content with what they have, and work hard if they want more. Teach them to love themselves and never let others put them down or tell them to do things against their principles (unless it is something good then it is ok).

That is all for now. Do not know when I will have the urge to write in here again. Have been very busy with work and getting things done. Soon, choosing a home and attending court (for my children, a long story. All due to me for having too much compassion and pity, no matter what others done to me... *sigh*.. some things can never change).

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Thoughts of Trust

Yes. Its been awhile since I've wrote anything here. My whole being have been tempting me to do so, but I resist.... actually, the thoughts usually comes when I'm on the bus or laying down on my bed with no PC available. Did wrote some .... where...

Excuses. We are full of excuses are we not? When things are not happening or done, we always have an excuse in hand.

Ah... Anyway. Heres what my thoughts want me to let it out.
~ ~ ~

Ask this question to yourself and answer it truthfully:

who on this earth, still alive or dead can you truly depend on when things go down the drain?That person or persons will be there for you through it all! and will not make you think you are lesser or incompetent or weak or pitiful or so minusculously tiny.... Anyone came in mind?

I know some will say 'yes, I have plenty of family members and friends, ..... blah blah yada yada....' I said 'will not make you think' not 'what they think of you'.... It's all you. It's how you feel. Yes, they will help you through it but that little paranoid feelings that will bug you. There are some who will help you but will not tell you what they truly think of you. If they did, I bet you will feel all that was mentioned above. But... (theres always a 'but') these are the persons who will see what you don't and from there you will valuate what will be good for yourself.

Truth: the people who you will go for help will be categorised in different things. You know who will be the one for emotional support. Who are the ones to give that financial support. So on and so forth.

As I've said 'It's all you.'... You can depend on yourself. Your survival instinct. It's not a bad thing. Not that after the help you've received you will just forget about it. You will remember and be there for that person(s) when its your who can help... Don't feel bad when you have no time to contact those person(s). Just remember when they call and ask for help, be there, help within your means. Help out of sincerity not out of obligations or returning a favour. Understand? I hope so thats how it is.

I wrote a poem of the sadness that I felt. Please bear with me. I am not good at this poem stuff. Just started to write again. Wrote it while thinking of a very dear friend of mine, who had held out a hand to me when I needed help.

I am slowly dying.....
Tell me, should I let it be
Or should I fight by holding tight?
Never felt my head so heavy
And my heart so very empty.
The feeling of my life spiralling down
My being going numb.
Closing my eyes to rest
Blind myself from days passing by.
Realised... I am slowly dying...
And will slowly.... slowly fade away.

Just a start.

I am not a good one to keep in touch with family and friends. I do call them or text or send an email, once in awhile... like once or twice a year....

Stop here for now. Its 1am and I need to settle a bit of work... Hopefully I will keep on writing at least once a month in this blog.

So many things to say, but have no idea how to start or how to put it.

A new quote I've thought of:
I know nothing.... but everything is in me. So I am me.

Monday, 12 February 2007

Chaotic Thoughts

How much can a human mind take before it snap? What is the limit per individual? Ever felt like standing at the edge of a high building and lean back? Falling back first, looking towards the sky... Ok right now thats how I feel... Not to worry. It is just that I'm bored and tired out of my mind. Maybe I'm asking too much, expecting too much.. or too little.. or am I too complicated.. complexed? Just need something new.. or I need to really focus to what is happening around me? or focus on my life.. hmmmm...

My brains are mush at the moment. Do not know why. Really don't. I know I'm blocking something but am unsure what it was. Maybe I've succeeded in blocking what I'm suppose to block and in the act, I've blocked more than I'm suppose to... (HUH?!)
Thats how chaotic my mind is right now. All I truly want to do is live like every normal good person. Which is work, home, work, home, family, work, holidays, work, friends, relax, work...
What I am thinking is this.... How come there are some people out there who can open up easily to others? or say things which meant something to the listener but nothing to the talker?
Ever experience this where you can talk to a certain type of people and you can't even open your mouth to another? Ever trust people even when they have misuse that trust? Make excuses for someone even when you know that the person was in the wrong and even your friends know about it? Try hard to make others like a friend, make others to give that friend another shot, try to prove assumptions of others of the friend was not all correct and let that friend be accepted as he/she wanted to (eventhough he/she said it does not matter but it does).

Ever letting people down because you do not want to be known as nice, reliable and dependable?
I grew up not knowing how to say vulgarities. The only time I would use and really mean it was when I am truly and extremely taken over by sheer anger. Funny isn't it? Sometimes I would blush when some of my friends used it as if its nothing. Oh I do say it in jester, but always end up giggling like a schoolgirl... (ssshessshhh...)

Ever felt that you are so weak that all you want to do is curl up and hibernate for a whole month? or you felt so strong that you are afraid that you might frighten people off?

Ever felt that your brain might explode (is that possible?) when all the thoughts in it going hyper drive?

Wish I could just erase my mind and start with a new one.... Wishful thinking.. :)